A foggy 11:45 am on May 17, 2010 is an unusual time for things to come to a halt, perhaps.
Mid-year, mid-month, mid-day. The middle of the spring school term and dare I say, so close to my own mid-life or at least the mid-point of my graduate school career. But, all these mid-dlings feel more like muddlings, and so here I pause. My coffee too is now lukewarm anyway.
Piddlings: pid·dle, verb
1. to spend time in a wasteful, trifling, or ineffective way; dawdle (often fol. by around): He wasted the day piddling around.
2. Informal. (esp. of children and pets) to urinate.
3. to waste (time, money, etc.); fail to utilize (usually fol. by away).
In the midst of all these middles, I realize with certain anxiety that I’m lost or at least stuck in the mud.
- I have 4 jobs that I am not good at: independent researcher with a looming long term project, teacher with immediate demands, an artist with no time to create, and a spouse seemingly only in my free time.
- Since 2004, I have gained 15 lbs but very little money.
- Since 2008, I seem to slog around in a muddy mess career wise – losing momentum with my confusion and inefficiency.
- Since this past weekend, I felt myself reduced to a mumble at a big hobnob event. I was startled NOT at how articulate, successful, and even beautiful my colleagues were in comparison but at my own horrified, defensive jealousy.
- Since last night, I wasted hours online unproductively in a jealous-curious blur of time.
- Since last night, I lost my glasses, stained my favorite jacket, tore a hole in my favorite (too tight anyhow) dress, and got a pimple.
- I didn’t even make the bed this morning. Too sluggish, too unmotivated, too concerned with the distraction of my own unattractive body.
Middle, mud, muddle, piddle, puddle, puke, nuke. Time to start over.
I’d like to use this blog to chart a new beginning. This blog will list my goals, my projects, and my daily “Most Important Things” (inspired by Leo over at http://zenhabits.net/purpose-your-day-most-important-task/)
This blog will also be an inspirational one – with images and such- to remind me about the wonderful aspects of the life I live & the life I dream for.